Let’s say you don’t watch football all year. Let’s say you want to turn on the Super Bowl just for the ads, or Katy Perry. No one will fault you…but wouldn’t you like to not be the least knowledgeable one at your Super Bowl Party this year?

So here is a list from this mornings Skimm (which I’ve talked about in the past, here):

theSKIMM’S GUIDE TO THE SUPER BOWL

THE STORY

Areeeeee youuuuu readyyyyy?! It’s time for Super Bowl XLIX. The Seattle Seahawks vs. the New England Patriots. Go.

HOLD ON, DOING THE MATH.

It’s number 49. Two teams, one Katy Perry, and too many pigs in a blanket.

WHEN AND WHERE?

Sunday at 6:30pm ET at the University of Phoenix Stadium in Glendale, AZ. Watch it go down on NBC, or on NBC’s live stream if you’re willing to chance buffering.

JUST SO YOU KNOW, I HATE FOOTBALL AND PLAN ON IGNORING THIS.

You go Glen Coco…but, more than 110 million people are expected to tune in for this one. That’s more than a third of the US population. And legacies are on the line — the Seahawks are the first defending Super Bowl Champs since, well, the Patriots in the 2000s. Seahawks QB Russell Wilson is aiming to become the youngest QB in history to win two Super Bowls in a row. The current record-holder? Patriots QB Tom Brady.

HOW DO I PRE-GAME?

With puppies. The 11th Annual Puppy Bowl will be on Animal Planet from 3-5pm ET, and the paws are out. Expect an epic matchup between teams Ruff and Fluff.

I’VE BEEN HEARING A LOT ABOUT SHRUNKEN BALLS?

Welcome to Deflategate. The NFL’s been looking into whether the Pats intentionally deflated footballs to make them easier to grip in the rain during the game that got them to the Super Bowl. More than a few have heard all they ever want to hear about deflated balls in their lifetimes. Others can’t get enough of them. TBD on what all this could mean for the Brady Bunch. PS: this isn’t head coach Belichick’s first ‘Gate, either.

IS IT HALFTIME YET?

Get ready for cupcakes and unicorns and sparkles. Katy Perry is coming at you like a dark horse. Lenny Kravitz will show up at some point.

LET’S TALK ADS.

Ad Bowl is back. And it’s expensive. As in, 30 seconds will set you back $4.5 million. The spoilers? Victoria’s Secret models will be there. Budweiser’s going to make you cry into your crudite. Katie Couric and Bryant Gumbel struggle with tech in a BMW. And “Avocados from Mexico” and “Mophie” battery phone cases bought their first spots, because you love guac and your phone’s never charged. Gotcha.

WHAT’S THE SPREAD?

Not talking about your artichoke dip. The spread is the expected difference between the teams’ final scores. If you ask Vegas, it looks like the Patriots are favored to win. But just barely. So Seattle fans, don’t get your fleeces in a bunch.

WHO DO I NEED TO KNOW?

Patriots

Tom Brady…QB. Mr. Gisele Bundchen. If the Pats come out on top, he’ll be one of just a handful of QB’s (like legends Joe Montana and Terry Bradshaw) to take home four Super Bowl rings.

Rob Gronkowski…Tight end and Brady’s right hand man. Just call him Gronk. He’s usually the one with the ball in the end zone. Doing things like this.

Darrelle Revis…Cornerback. Matched up against Seahawks cornerback Richard Sherman, this time on the field. See: Twitter feud of ’13.

Julian Edelman…Wide receiver. Moonlights as the Pats other quarterback. He’s the one that did this to win the playoff game against the Ravens.

Jamie Collins…Linebacker. The center of the Pats D. He’s come a long way this season.

Seahawks

The 12th Man…this is what Seattle fans call themselves, since they’re so loud they become the “12th man” on the field — especially during home games. No really, they think they are on the team.

Legion of Boom…Not a video game. The nickname for the Seahawks’ Defensive Backs, which have been considered the best in the NFL for years.

Russell Wilson…QB. Young and down with G-O-D. Every time he passes the ball, feel free to yell “Wiiiilllsooooon.”

Marshawn Lynch…Running back. Nickname: “Beast Mode.” Likes: Skittles. Dislikes: the media. Played the silent game with reporters for years, until the NFL started fining him. Now, he sometimes says insightful things like “yeah” and “nope.”

Richard Sherman…Cornerback. We all remember him from last year as the self-proclaimed “best corner in the game.” No one’s really challenging him on that. Could get a Super Bowl ring, and a baby on Sunday.

Kam Chancellor…Strong safety. Played a lot of leapfrog as a kid. Gronk is his Golden Snitch — he’ll try to catch him the whole game.

theSKIMM

Both teams were the No. 1 seeds in their conferences. The last time they faced off was years ago, and the Seahawks won by one point. This could get really good.