Because, aviously…

Monday night was the newest installment from Comedy Central with the Roast of Rob Lowe, and it was by far the best one in recent years, and possibly the overall funniest one they’ve ever done.

They started off with a compilation of some of Lowe’s greatest hits, including the “infamous tape”, and nothing was off limits, from fame and looks to coke and s-e-x.

The Pete Davidson aimed 9/11 jokes kick it up a notch after his shocking joke last year, but with it being expected this time around it was even funny at times.

I’ll grade the roasters, and then drop a long list of one-liners from the Roast, for those that don’t want to watch it themselves…but you should because fantastic is an understatement.

  • David Spade — A great and funny Roast Master — A
  • Pete Davidson — He kept up his outstanding performance from last year, maybe even a step up — A
  • Rob Riggle — Rob was exactly what you’d expect from Rob — A-
  • Jewel — She brought out a guitar, and pulled some punches — A-
  • Jimmy Carr — Hadn’t heard this Brit before, but his poking fun at Americans was great — A-
  • Peyton Manning — Peyton was great. Really funny, got a huge ovation when he came up and when he finished — A
  • Nikki Glaser – Comedy Central’s own, and not really known by many, but she certainly tried to change that! — A-
  • Ralph Macchio — Over the top, tried too hard…but that’s what he’s been reduced down to these days — B+
  • Ann Coulter — She got booed throughout, most of her jokes just didn’t fall…not a sound in the room and things just got awkward. Not as bad as “The Situation” who was flat-out terrible, she just wasn’t funny — D+
  • Jeff Ross — The Roast Master General, Ross makes his yearly appearance, dressed (and singing) as Prince, and brought his good material out — A
  • Rob Lowe — A fantastic subject and roaster — A

A superb TV production, definitely not child-friendly, and this roast gets a 9.5 out of 10.

~~Some quotes from the night~~

  • Rob is in the Austin Powers movie 16 years ago. Or as he calls it…18.
  • Pete’s Dad never saw him on SNL because he passed away on 9/11. Pete’s Mom never saw him on SNL because she blinks.
  • Macaulay Culkin looks worse than I thought.
    -Davidson on Spade
  • Jeff Dunham’s puppets are getting amazing.
    -Davidson on Carr
  • Pete Davidson’s ugly
    – Riggle
  • Rob Lowe played JFK in killing Kennedy…Hasn’t that family suffered enough?
    – Riggle
  • As a feminist I can’t support everything being said up here tonight. As someone who hates Ann Coulter, I’m delighted.
    – Jewel
  • It’s hard to recognize (Pete Davidson) when he’s not on an adventure with the man in the yellow hat
    – Jewel
  • Peyton is here because Eli is still out making his dad proud
    – Jewel
  • I’m told Peyton is among the top 3 quarterbacks…in his family.
    – Carr
  • The only ones who get more concussions than NFL players…are their wives.
    – Carr
  • Macchio wasn’t the first choice of roasters for Comedy Central. But Tom Cruise was too famous, and Patrick Swayze wasn’t answering his phone.
    – Carr
  • I will never forget Peyton’s career. Sadly though, he will.
    – Spade
  • David spade is dumb and short
    – Manning in the Nationwide tune
  • I’m not the only athlete up here, as you know, earlier this year, Ann Coulter won the Kentucky Derby.
    – Manning
  • I’m sitting up here with people no one’s ever heard of, thinking to myself, did I get traded to the Jacksonville Jaguars?
    – Manning
  • Pete Davidson came up to me for a picture, and I didn’t realize he was one of the comedians. I said to him: Don’t give up kid, whatever disease you have, you can beat it.
    – Manning
  • You (Lowe) tried to take the air out of my retirement so fast that you could probably always get a job as Tom Brady’s ball boy
    – Manning
  • Jewel, I don’t want to bad mouth you…because God already did.
    – Glaser
  • Ann Coulter has written 11 books—12 if you include ‘Mein Kampf’.
    – Glaser
  • Jeff Ross, you are like Hitler. No one cared about you until you started roasting people.
    – Glaser
  • Yes. It’s me. Ralph Macchio. The karate kid. Still look the same. The secret? Not working.
    – Macchio
  • Peyton wrote a children’s book. It wasn’t meant to be a children’s book…but he did the best he could.
    – Macchio
  • I can’t get work. They saw you f**K a 16-year-old, and they were like “hmm, he looks like he could work in the white House”
    – Macchio on Lowe
  • Ann seems stiff and conservative, but she gets rough in the sheets. Just ask the clan.
    – Spade
  • I haven’t seen (Ann) laugh this hard since Trayvon Martin got shot.
    – Spade
  • I’m not a comedian, which is why I’m easily confused with Nikki glazer.
    – Coulter
  • Is it true you (Lowe) are deaf in one ear? That can be a real problem because you can’t hear the girls parents come home.
    – Ross
  • Spade looks like Jane Lynch, mid transition.
    – Ross
  • Glazer? I just met her. I know you aren’t Jewish…because you’re not funny.
    – Ross
  • What happened Ann? You wrote 11 books, but couldn’t write a single joke?…This is hard, how do you roast someone from hell?
    – Ross
  • Ann’s against gay marriage. What’s your thinking on that? If I can’t get a husband, they shouldn’t either?
    – Ross
  • Black lives matter. Not enough to have one on the dais, but they matter.
    – Lowe
  • Peyton is here tonight to show zika babies that it could really be much worse.
    – Lowe
  • Jewel has performed for the Pope. It’s why he always insists on being in a soundproof box.
    – Lowe
  • I made my wife laugh. What a rarity.
    – Lowe
  • You know Ann, after seeing your set tonight, I think we’ve all witnessed the first bombing that you can’t blame on a Muslim.
    – Lowe


One thought on “The Roast of Rob Lowe

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